Humanity feels.
Recently I was asked to write something “upbeat” for publication. Apparently, my previous offerings hadn’t been jolly enough. I began to wonder why some people feel so uncomfortable sharing any feeling that isn’t happiness.
Refusing to reveal our true feelings is about as British as discussing the weather and isn’t it chilly today.
You may have guessed my answer to the request was “no, what comes comes.” You can pretty much track my hormonal cycle by the tone of my musings and for that I make no apologies.
Everywhere I turn I’m bombarded with positive life quotes, messages, memes. An endless stream of people telling me to be happy.
Sorry? Who the hell are you and why are you telling me what to feel?? If I feel sad is that wrong? If I feel jealousy does that make me a bad person? If today I feel hard done by does that make me ungrateful? No. It makes me human.
For so long I’ve hidden my sad days. Hidden my disappointments. Tried to stay ‘up’
Where did it get me? Bloody miserable, frustrated, full of anxiety and a horrid mum to boot.
I wasn’t enjoying anything. I was shouting at the kids, snapping at the people closest to me or hiding away.
At one stage I refused to visit or call my mum for a fortnight. I couldn’t trust myself not to break down in front of her and heaven forbid that happen.
Imagine trying to explain how you feel when you haven’t accepted it yourself. Impossible.
I ended up having no real interaction with anyone, well not with any depth or substance.
Feelings are by definition ‘an emotional state or reaction’. They are not a conscious decision. We don’t get to control or ignore them. They will bash away at you until you are forced to acknowledge them. Woe betides you if this happens in the frozen fish aisle of Tesco – try explaining that away!
I had to give myself permission to feel every one of my feelings. Sadness, then cry, wallow, eat a tub of ice cream. Tired? Sleep as much as possible guilt free. Joy? Embrace it. Fully. Don’t worry about how or when it will end.
The most shocking realisation for me was that prior to this, every feeling just felt like anxiety. A knot in my stomach, weight on my chest and a general unsettled feeling.
I was never calm. Never content. Always on edge. Today I can honestly say I feel all the feelings, sometimes all in one day! I can finally tell on from another and know how to care for it. I now feel real and pure joy. I feel sadness and it doesn’t scare me. My favourite feeling by far is calm contentment, a feeling some might say I have a little too often now!
I still get cross; I still lose my proverbial rag at the kids – at least once a day one of them test my last nerve. It doesn’t matter though, it happens, and we move on, we apologise if necessary and all is forgiven.
To anyone reading this I would say, don’t fight the feelings, just go with them, see where they take you. They are there for a reason. Translating what your feelings are trying to tell you takes time and practice, something I have learned not only through talking therapy but through quiet contemplation, meditation and most importantly self-compassion.
I can promise that the effort and discomfort will be worth it. You may just gain direct access to your own higher wisdom, the answer to every question you have is locked away within those feelings if you can just sit quietly and listen to them for a while.