A thank you to everyone who has been in my life in 2018.
If you held me up when I was crying thankyou.
If you where there waiting for me whilst I hid in my glittery woman cave, recovering from some of the most painful experiences I have ever known, thank you for waiting and honouring my need to be alone.
If your behaviour was less than kind, I forgive you. Your are human and we all are unkind at times.
If our paths no longer cross I wish you well on your journey. And I am grateful for the time we had, whatever that time gave us I am grateful for it.
If you had faith in me, thank you.
If you saw me, beyond the public version of me, the teacher, the therapist, the mother, the wife, the friend, if you SAW ME, thank you, and I hope I returned the favour.
If you walked alongside me for part of this turn of wheel I am grateful. I enjoy some company on my walk through life.
If I hurt you, I am sorry, you can rest assured it wasn't intentional.
If you didn't make it through this year, I hope life gave you all you wished for, and that you sleep in peace. And I am grateful and blessed for the times we had together.
If you lost someone you loved, I am sorry for you loss and wish that 2019 brings you more smiles at the memories of happy times, than tears of loss, but if you need to cry, and scream at the moon, then do. And make as much of a song and dance about it as you wish. No one has a right to tell you how long to, or how you should grieve.
If you are dragging with you the suffering of 2018 then I invite you to leave it behind you if you can, if you are ready to put it down, turn your back on the past and move on. "Tomorrow is another day." If you are not ready, that's ok too. But be open to the possibility that in time you don't have to carry the burden every where you go. Things change, and time and distance creates a new groove.
As I step into 2019 I reflect on the some of the saddest and scariest days of my entire life. Days where I have felt I couldn't go on.
I am astonished I have come through this year intact, but intact I am, I wouldn't say stronger, but I would say wiser, older and with a lot more crinkles, and lots of wobbliness which is less welcome.
I love those crinkles, crinkles rather than wrinkles, I feel like the moisture has been sucked out me. Those crinkles are simply story lines in my face and body, I have bloody well earned them. I love that my hair in this year has turned completely grey, shock and challenge takes a toll on you.
And yet I feel finally like I am in my body, I am here, present, awake, aware, full of love and forgiveness, full of acceptance for the path that is unwinding. I feel like that this year has helped me to land. And that is a good thing. I feel I am stepping into my crone, and in honesty I think I have been waiting to step into her for as long as I have been alive. I am more comfortable in the crone than I have ever been at any time in my life.
The crone doesn't need the approval of anyone or anything, she follows the rhythm of the mother, earth, in her heart and mind and allows wisdom to carry her forward.
I am very grateful for the sweetness of the days, when I can walk by the sea or with my beloved trees, chat to a dear friend, or sit quietly with my husband or children. Just being, no drama, nothing to do or achieve, just to be. This is the crone.
I am grateful for the work that I do which makes me happy to get up in the morning and do a job which fulfils me and adds colour and texture to my life. And I am grateful for the growth of my business and the new family we have created at Anahata, a family of wonderful, talented teachers, and kind and openhearted students that at only 3 months old is already filling us with hope and excitement for what else is possible.
If you where in some small or large way part of this, thank you. I am grateful.
I don't pray, as I believe we make our own luck, and can only respond to the path as it reveals itself to us. I don't pray because I believe we are all the essence of the divine in human form. So I am not praying for a better year, rather I am open to what will happen.
2019 I can't change you. What will be will be. I can't fix anyone or anything, I can't alter the flow of energy that is constantly pulsing in us and around us, but I can be ready to forgive, let go, learn, be kind to myself and others. And forgive myself when I get it wrong, because crone I may be but I am also human.
I can follow the path whatever obstacles are found as I walk.
I remind myself and you that we are allowed a detour, if you need to retreat to your glittery cave and put your head on a cushion, cover yourself in a fluffy warm blanket, pour yourself some sage tea, and have a sob before you carry on. Do it!
If you want to put on your running shoes and take a long run to burn of your anxiety and worry, do it!
If you want to stop and just take in the wonder of your view. Do that!
if you want to take a hobby you have dreamt about for years but time was in the way, don't wait do it. Our time is so precious please make best use of it. You won't get it back, so don't wait do it now.
I wish you well on your path this year and if your paths cross I hope whatever it is we experience together we both get what we need from it.
Happy 2019 see you on my walks.